Half-Life 3 will soon be mine

All of this waiting for when Valve is ready is just silly, so I recently decided to take matters into my own hands. I have offered the company that Freeman built something that they can’t possibly refuse, that awesome lamp I made. Now, don’t ask how I did it (after all I wouldn’t want everyone flooding the market with them, and, thus, lowering the value of my offer would I?), just accept the fact that the process lands somewhere between making cookies, and alchemy.

I have approached Valve with an email, and I have to say, I like my chances. Click on to read the email in full.

*Clears throat*

Wonderful people at Valve:

As I am sure you are well aware of, several people think that you are pretty great (myself being one of them) and most of those folks also happen to wake up each and everyday hoping to find a shrink wrapped copy of Half-Life 3 waiting for them under their pillow, undoubtedly left behind by a silent game fairy that visited in the night. Sadly, this has yet to come true, and these rabid fans tend to become a bit restless.

Now, surely none of this is news to you, the developers tasked with the monumental task of climbing the inevitable mountain of Half-Life 3 at some point in the future, and I feel for you. I really do. Lovers of games, especially yours, tend to be greedy little bitches at times “Bring me the Mother series. Make map expansions free. Quit with the region locked consoles. Don’t ever make me update my firmware, but on that note, the dashboard sucks. Blah Blah blah cry cry cry”. I’m sorry for all of that you get, which is why I have a proposition for you.

Enough with all that grabbing and name calling, I want to make a trade.

Attached are several photos of (quite possibly) the coolest thing I will ever make. It’s a fully functional lamp featuring the best sidekick since the crow bar, complete with a galvanized steel foundation and lamp post to bring the look together. I’ll send you this wonderful slice of art, if you will send me a single copy of Half-Life 3. Now, I’m sure you are just waiting for me to stop typing so you can say “Silly Pete, how can we send you a game that doesn’t exist?” Well let’s just skip that whole song and dance. It’s done, we all know it is, and I know you have an extra copy laying around.

I promise that I won’t go blabbing to the world about the game, and I’ll make sure to disconnect from the interwebs so no cyber peeping toms peek in to see what I’ve been playing for 72 hours straight (that’s the bare minimum I expect out of the campaign at this point BeeTeeDubs). I’ll silently and politely stop eating, working, talking, and sleeping, and after I’ve had my fair share, I’ll even return the game to you if you would like. And, get this, you can keep that wonderful little lamp (again, pictured above in all it’s glory) for as long as you want. Read by it, snuggle it, incinerate it, anything you want. It’s yours. And it will love you like a brother. A nice brother that doesn’t pick on his poor little brother for having red hair because HE TOTALLY WANTED IT THAT WAY.

So the ball is in your court. I’ll take good care of your lamp in the mean time, and I hope all is well up there. If you have any questions, you should probably just google them. It’s all I’m going to do if you ask me anyway.

Best,

Pete Betcher

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